Monday, April 28, 2008

It's funny how sometimes the littlest things, the silliest things, the things that seem like they would be so utterly insignificant can sometimes carry so much more. Sometimes so much weight, relieve so much tension and emotion and create a change, a noticeable change inside that seem like it'll be enough to influence what happens around it. More on this, later, perhaps. All i know is that I'm no longer afraid to live--and I should have never been.

Friday, April 11, 2008

things I have learned in my life so far

-everything can change

-wishing won't make a difference

-the little things matter

-try something new

-the best things happen when you don't know what's going on

-that moment won't last. so cherish it, and live in it.

-don't make goals in abstracts--but those little concrete things will add up.

-just do it.

(inspired by the aptly titled...things I  have learned in my life so far)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

title track

get me away from here, I'm dying.

I thought this would stop being relevant once, you know, college acceptances came around. I thought that life would become magically easier and wonderful after that. Everything would work out exactly the way it should--there would be no indecision, no fear and doubts, no financial concerns. The last few months I'd spend in San Diego would be indulging myself and surrounding myself with my friends and doing all the things I love, while preparing and waiting for that threshold into the life I've always dreamed of.

Obviously, life doesn't work like that. And now, just as much as before, I find myself repeating this song, this mantra. Only without the conviction and optimism of a beautiful future, so much as reassurance, and protection against disappointment. At the very least, I tell myself, I'll have this. I'll believe in happy endings and always cry at endings. It's so relevant. Now, before, always.

But--where is the part, when the boy, with the winning smile and naivety succeeds?

This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know, goodbye.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Little encounters

Today, as I wandered around the aisles of Bookstar aimlessly in pretense of customer greeting/reshelves, I spotted something (or rather, someone) in an aisle that made me stop in my hurried mission, remember that what I needed to accomplish, and rush to finish it, hoping that she would remain when I returned. Of course, on the way, I ran into an acquaintance who wanted to chat. And after attempting to rush away from that, I finally returned to her browsing form and complemented her outfit/did my customer service job.

And why, was I so enchanted by this stranger? For no other reason than the fact that she was dressed in headband to platform mary janes gothic lolita...and looking so adorable in it. I've never actually met anyone in real life who dressed loli, and this was such a lovely surprise. I couldn't really strike up a conversation as I had other work to do and directed her to a section, then wandered back to the cash register, counting chocolate bars (not to pass time! But an assigned task).

Eventually she came up to check out...and I managed to make my interest in lolita clear and gave her my email for potential contact. It was magical. The high point of my day...

Which now, seems a bit pathetic, doesn't it?

The other high point is that my massive order from (incredible site that sells AA clothing at ridiculously low wholesale prices) arrived. With a number of things missing and a few things wrong, but I can live with it. Damn it, american apparel, why must you misinterpret so many of your clothes/colors online? They make raspberry look far from the eye blinding bright magenta that it is. It's a little upsetting, but who knows, maybe this will make me finally able to step out the door in...ugh. I can't really bear of think of it.

Still plagued by college indecision, doubt and a sense of hopelessness.

In our brief half hearted discussion of Grendel today, I came to the conclusion that I am probably a nihilist. All the better.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Sexuality, perversions, and why we're so adverse

With this discussion on Wardrobe Remix about blocking the perverts and my recent pondering on the subject, I figured I might as well attempt to really articulate my ideas on sexuality and society's aversion to it.

Once upon a time, I blushed at the mention of anything sexual in nature, even felt faintly uncomfortable watching makeout/foreplay scenes on tv shows and movies. I would have never dared to discuss sex openly or at all, never be able to say the names of certain body parts and certain sexual acts. And to say that I am completely comfortable with the idea of sexuality, my own or other people's would be completely misleading. In fact, I'm still as unlikely to talk about such things in person, unless it's not at all meant to be taken seriously or in generalities. So, I'm a hypocrite. Because what I believe is nearly completely opposite from what my actions might convey. I'm convinced that I feel certain ways about sexuality, and I'm convinced that I've learned to be not judgemental of any sort of sexuality. Even the what is usually considered unusual, perverted, taboo.

What I wonder most is why sex is still such a dirty, demented subject, when in reality it is but a natural process, one that is vital to human existence. Yet materials are deemed "obscene" and illegal when it is purely sexual in nature, without artistic or political merit. So easily placing sexuality in a category that is completely forbidden seems a completely illogical act. I think it's only a consequence of mankind's long bond with Biblical morality and ideology that places sex as a sin and never something to be celebrated or enjoy. An idea that has never truly left society.

Sexual fetishes and perversions are among the lowest rungs in terms of acceptable interests in society. Yet a toned down version of said perversions are exactly what's populating the media. Of course, there's massive backlash from conservatives against this horrible influence. At the same time, why is it that we so fear putting out the hidden sexual desires and ideas in the open when we readily accept the subtle suggestions from the media?

The question with women's sexuality and objectification is another that deserves much analysis and debate. Yes, okay, there are tons and tons of groups and classes about femininity and women empowerment and how we should not be objectified as sexual objects, and there actually are probably just as many arguing that the same sexual objectification is a form of power that women have and should use to their fullest advantage, and arguments against that as objectifying's an endless cycle that probably will never see an answer.

Especially not tonight, as I have just realized that it is sunday night and I have tasks that still need to be accomplished. Lately, it seems as if I rarely have enough time to just do all the little things that keep stacking up. Simple to do in theory, but so difficult to accomplish in reality. It does not help that I consistently feel like a horrid failure with the renewed amount of things going wrong with my life. Too drastic and depressing? Most likely. Let's hope that things take a turn for the better, as if this continues, I can only foresee a bleak horrid future where everything that could ever possibly go wrong...including things that should not, logically, go wrong, will go wrong.