Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I finished reading Beautiful Children by Charles Bock, a book that appealed so much perhaps solely because of the lives of the most wretched of its characters. Some twisted glamour in the lives of the damaged, the insane, the strippers and punks having shows in the desert, struggling comic book artists and pathetic lives that seem so far fetched from reality. In the midst of their disturbing nature, there is some strange beauty in it all.

It makes me long for excitement and crave a life as far from what I have as I can imagine. And I can imagine, I've fantasized, even. Train hopping and running away and starting a life of hitch hiking and starting with so little and finding out what life has to offer. The taboo and terrible and living in the moment. But those are thoughts that don't linger so much as all the other possibilities. The glamor and the beauty of the real glamor and beauty of a major city, of wealth and popularity and all those typical things...

I lose what I'm trying to say, except that I am as much drawn to the most terrible of lives as the most successful.

And lately I've been realizing more and more the sometimes incredible extent of my sense of morbidity--worst case scenarios not in the way any normal person would expect, not so much "oh it's not going to be that great" so much as "oh someone probably just died." It's difficult to grasp, difficult to articulate.

Yesterday I turned eighteen and I've learned no longer to expect anything from birthdays. I can't decide about anything. I don't feel the slightest different. There is no sense of finish, no celebratory joy or much of anything. Another day. What seems more ridiculous is that on Sunday I shall be in New York. And it is real, orientation and the city and meeting portions of my future classmates. I need to remember that it won't all just be the hipsters and artsy kids and intellectuals. Probably a majority won't be. I think, in my head, it is exactly the life i've always envisioned. And everyone will be beautiful and well dressed, with smiles and stories and shared passions and dreams. Unrealistic. But this whole thing is unrealistic, isn't it? I still marvel at how it ever worked out...

I'm so unsure of how I feel or what I want or what I want to do anymore. Going to work just leaves me drained and feeling empty. And tired. I wanted these early shifts so that I could get home and hang out with my friends, but sometimes that just is the last thing I want to do. I'm feeling ever so tired and that's getting up at ten...and having to do it tomorrow! And working longer! And friday!

I wish I knew what I tried to say..

Saturday, June 21, 2008

It seems that summer draws in quite a different crowd at Bookstar, or at least, these few days of uncharacteristic and excessive heat in San Diego. Thus making it a rather different experience--or maybe watching too much Daria has put me in a non-stop sarcastic and sassy frame of mind. Not very me, some would say. After all, now is the time of me back talking and raising attention to the ridiculous nature of some of the things we do. Maybe work just isn't what it used to be...

I have to wonder, don't the customers see? Do they noticed the plastic smile plastered across my face, the glassy empty stare looking into the store but never at them, them not even registering as humans so much as another routine. Do they hear the underlying sarcasm when I recommend the membership program? When I say thank you and slowly slide their terrible books into a plastic bag and remain polite when they request christian inspiration books that are so obviously insane...

Maybe it's the heat, and the air conditioning bookstar provides that welcomed the hoards of people who would have otherwise never been seen in a place associated with knowledge or literacy, even in its most watered down and terrible forms. Today sights of tanned, blonde bimbos with very apparent plump and round fake breasts in miniskirts and tank tops were plenty. And somehow my superiority complex got kicked up twenty knotches.

I couldn't help it, comparing where I would be to where my coworkers were or what most of our customers must have been. Their taste in marketed pathetic self help or diet books or really bad mass market fiction the key to their stupidity. While strolling about the aisles, absent mindedly sticking books in their proper homes (not taking as much care in sections I rather disliked) my mind wandered. A distant narration occupied my thoughts. It was an interesting day. And every flaw in every customer only too noticable: the girl whose wardrobe walked right out of Urban Outfitters, the overobsessive parents buying the perfect summer learning books and their dim lives, the overweight woman with a terrible, terrible way of "fashion". It was judgement day, it seemed, and the heat and the unnecessary questions they babbled did not help at all

In any case--I should really learn to get used to the heat. NYC without air conditioning shall be quite the interesting experience...and! today my vintage Ferragamos came. My first purchase from Ebay, ever. They seem to fit and look promising indeed. I think I'd be willing to replace the soles and insoles to make them essentially perfect for street walking. Exciting things, indeed!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Quick updates:

I'm typing on and completely in love with my new black Macbook. I can't seem to stop playing with it.

Graduation was yesterday and a rather unpleasant affair. Hot and boring and pointless. I got out of there as soon as I could. The best part is knowing that I'll never had to go back again.

I've been waking up really early for no apparent reason. Sometimes I can go back to sleep and sometimes I just feel like getting up even when I'm still kind of tired and it's too early. Like today, right now. Then I think of it and the day will be long filled with nothing to do, so perhaps it's better to try to go back to sleep, after all.

Also yesterday I failed at our graduation party due to a throbbing intense headache...that and I could feel my heart thumping against my chest at a superspeed and so so loudly I thought anyone could hear.

In the immortal words of the Lucksmiths: for now, I'm merely bored, and as a matter of fact...who isn't?

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

dreams

I just got up from a nap, one of those afternoon naps you really really need because you stayed up until two in the morning finishing your art history final project (and the final thing you have to do for high school!) and talking with your friends on aim and feeling weirdly elated by the end of the night and not so tired even after taking a shower and listening to music in bed in a while. These afternoon naps that can only happen when you know you have the day completely open and free and you fall asleep for a few hours and drift in and out of consciousness and dreams and other realities.

I dreamt of Berkeley and fuck--I should have gotten up sooner and written sooner because already, now, it's fading away. There was an ice cream shop next door that sold ice cream meant to be had in bed and it looked and sounded like the most delicious thing ever but somehow I refused and inside the staircase led up to something and a man with a gun or something, so I ran back down.

Strange dreams, strange waking up and wondering if I should sleep longer and what time it was and what day of the week it was. I like times like that. And upon waking up, thinking and hoping and waiting.

Tomorrow is my last day of high school. There's no sense of closure, no extreme joy or anticipation. Today at school it was quiet--most people signing yearbooks and playing quiet card games. Me listening to my ipod and reading my book and imagining, imagining in my other world and other realities. I'm really not going to miss it, any of it.

I am so ready to live in those dreams. it feels like life won't really be happening until summer and going to places and finally going to new york. It's so close yet so far. I'm going to make a list of things I want to do over the summer and this summer I will do them, because I must, because I have to start and now.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Book Notes: Gentleman of the Road

Book: Gentlemen of the Road by Michael Chabon

Verdict: It was a tale of adventure, and thus something totally unexpected, different from nearly everything else I've been reading lately or really ever. Especially unexpected from Michael Chabon, as this is an adventure in the truest sense of the word. There are Jews with swords and elephants and healers and epic battles. There is a princess, really, dressed as a boy, vicious and unlikely heroes. It was fun to read, a good change from the typical. Although, still not my favorite type of novel, I appreciate what Michael Chabon has done, and perhaps, in the future, would be more likely to look towards books with an extraordinary sense of adventure.

And elsewhere:

These last few days of school doesn't feel like the last few days of school. There's only three more real school days, and soon after that, we graduate. But this week went by in a slur of Scrabble, cards, reading, ipod listening (speaking of which--I think I left my ipod in the journalism class, which is a rather terrifying and upsetting prospect. Let's hope it's still there on Monday.) and my new favorite game, Apples to Apples.

Yesterday we had our journalism end of the year banquet at an actual restaurant called BJ's where we had pizza and pasta and bread sticks that ended up being my favorite, and also, this amazing creation called pizookie, otherwise known as a brilliant idea for a dessert that's probably terrible health wise, but delicious, not considering things as ridiculous as "health" and "nutrition."

I have another new resolution inspired by the amazing blog and photos of this adorable Swedish girl whose life looks like something out of a fairy tale and incredibly beautiful, always. Taking more photos and posting them here! Photos are fun and delicious and more importantly help you remember the things you would forget.

Currently--all my friends and I are completely obsessed with the Alphabeat song, "What is Happening?" It makes me feel like I'm in a teen melodrama romance.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I'm making a commitment. A commitment to blog: more regularly, and better. Or at least attempt.

And I'm making a commitment to write about things like the books I've read--if only so that I can remember what I've read and how I felt about it. It's so so easy to forget when I read so many books one after another with so little break in between. And, well, because it is fun, to read back on these things, see what I once thought and what changed.

And to post songs. I missed those.

And recently I've read the new Augusten Burroughs book A Wolf At the Table as well as the new Chuck Palahniuk book, Snuff. Neither of which were really the authors' best work and Palahniuk, in particular, would probably have been much better off just writing a few essays about the porn industry instead of trying to make a full on novel out of it. You can't really have a novel without a real story line and characters that you remotely care about. It's always interesting to read the random facts and how-to he likes to sneak into his novels, but really? Snuff was a filler. A Wolf at the Table was Augusten Burroughs in the style of Dry but concerning his childhood, and although the subject was a highly personal and emotional one, and it was a good read, it felt far too dry, lacking in Burroughs's usual wit and insight that makes his memoirs so compelling. Interesting that both were released around the same time, both appeal to the same general demographic, and both are in the same category of contemporary hip authors that are just a tidbit overrated..

Currently reading (and highly enjoying): Throw Like a Girl by Jean Thompson, Gentlemen of the Road by Michael Chabon, and, because sometimes it is quite fun to feel like an intellectual and reading Gladwell and Freakonomics has turned me onto the beauty of non-fiction, The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb.