Maybe it's just settling into the summer, but somewhere along the way I lost that restless drive that occupied most of my weekends just a few months ago. In New York, there is always a voice nagging and suggesting that I should be doing so much more, that every free night wasted marks me down a grade in the "living" scale. So, any Friday night I didn't spend at least hanging out with friends, on some sort of adventure, a party, a concert, felt like a dirty cop out. Even after an exhausting week, and a long nap, I'd feel useless without inciting something extraordinary, scrutinizing nonsense nyc and timeout new york and everything imaginable for just one thing I can motivate myself to go to.
And now--every night is a repetition of the night before, wishing for my bed lamp to be unbroken so that I can make progress with Infinite Jest, updating Tumblr and refreshing Flickr, hoping for emails, editing my novel (which is startlingly and slightly terrifying in its suggestive ability to predict the future--pieces of it sound like things taken from my life now that couldn't have possibly existed back in November, when I wrote it...), watching Weeds or some other new show online. Every night is a weekend when there's no school work, I guess. And although I had extensive plans to go on every possible adventure and exploring New York, the further I've explored has been to visit potential apartments. I tell myself that this new apartment, in Williamsburg, with five other strangers, should jump start my real summer. With my internship and now, again, a hunt for a paying job, that will start the new stage of my summer. But I'm not sure. After all, this is impossibly easy, staying on my bed with the trusty laptop and endless resources at my fingertips.
This laziness, this unmotivated repetition has carried into the realms of photography, where I'm struggling with 365 since I lack any desire to go out even with my camera. And I'm not sure how, or what will fix it. And maybe a change of environment is just what I need, or some new big challenge, something to ignite what's inside. I'd hate to waste the summer--especially this one. For now, five movie marathons, nine times that same song. I'm busy doing nothing and wasting away and not taking advantage of NYC and something has to change. So inspire me, life. Throw something big my way and let's dance.