Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You're Still the One Pool Where I'd Happily Drown

photo via

Last night, in an aeroplane over the US, I watched the sunset soaked in the horizon stay with its painted lines of red and orange even late into the night. And when it approached California, and I could see the cities sprawled out below, lights twinkling like another set of stars, colorful and scattered and blinking, and real stars too, I've forgotten how much I missed those, silver studs in a dark sky, this surge of optimism and anticipation grew inside of me, bubbling and sizzling until it became absurd, and I was giddy with the promise of a few hours, a few days, a few weeks and months from now. This hope that felt so sure, so within reach I could taste it on my tongue, feel it in my palm, so brilliant and wonderful and unexpected I thought I'd explode.

It's a bit inexplicable, this, but wonderful. My mind is filled with all the beauty of everything, and the F U T U R E in glittering neon letters in front of me, of fall and cold cold weather (for oh oh, being stuck in my room without air conditioning, without a fan, in 93 degree weather nearly killed me, gave me headaches and dizziness and forced me to seek escape elsewhere), coats and boots and scarves and hats with big bows, of classes and reading and writing essays, yes, yes staying up late writing essays! How I miss it, how I miss the panicked skimming of assigned readings I've skipped, cups and cups of tea and music to try to get me to focus, watching the page count finally reach its end, editing and thinking and writing and thinking.

And classmates! People like minded, like me, English majors, writers, passionate intelligent kids (for I realized why I was so unhappy with my new roommates, they who are nearly thirty and content to be waitresses and bartenders, life's highlight consisting of days spent with a jobless boyfriend who lives in the house, too, their lack of ambition, of aspiration, of going places and creativity and the sort of environment that would inspire me, no, this was not it.) Making new friends and going on new adventures with these friends! And having an internship at somewhere I love (I've got an interview soon, wish me luck!) and a job, days taken up from 7am to 6pm, coming home exhausted to finish schoolwork and sleeping early (I will, I will!), and trying to make decent dinner despite it all, keeping things lovely and delightful and writing and taking pictures through it all. It overwhelms me, how excited I am for all of it, all of this.

And after that! It'll only be better. London, in the spring! The thought of it--it's nearly unfathomable but it will happen and it'll be utterly brilliant. I can't, can't wait. London in the spring and perhaps I'll spend next summer at home, writing and blogging and working to save up money so that I can spend another semester in Paris, and eventually my own apartment without unpleasant roommates and being scared of being in the same room, wonderful parties and events and oh oh oh how it fills me with joy, euphoria...

But not to get carried away. For the present, just now, it's perfect, too. This perfect weather that doesn't make me want to withdraw into an Antaractic ice cube and hide forever, this room that is so big and holds so many memories and all, all my own, discovering old rituals and noting new changes, this is strange but wonderful and I think, this time, this one time, I needed the break from New York City.


  1. You and your optimism and your lovely writing are so inspirational. The life of an English major never appealed to me before this summer (I'm interning at a literary agency... they are hiring for the Fall and I think you go to NYU... check out CareerNet if you haven't already, and good luck on the interview that might turn out to be for place I'm talking about haha), and I enjoyed your pretty little description of that glamorous life. :)

  2. haha, love your post. It makes me feel like a little child, jumping up and down of excitement :)

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