Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Spring Awakening (Let's Try This Again)

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You'll have to take my word for it, but yesterday I wrote a lovely thoughtful post that got eaten up by the great technology machine--or my own failure to save properly. Today I'm feeling rather less eloquent...although I can still remember what I tried to write. Something about how I worry that blogging is a little scary when I write about myself, the fictive non-fiction of my life, revealing things that perhaps should not be revealed. Something about spring--the sunshine, bare legs, possibilities, and yet disappointment too, for the next great season I'll look forward is fall, and that's so far away. Something about needing a project and fearing boredom, that worse than pain and suffering and sadness I dread that empty lack of feeling, which creeps in between the hours and drags between the sheets and slowly, suffocates.

Today, of course, things are different. I went on a long walk, for one thing, which never fails to lift my spirits. The other thing is that I feel grateful, which is one of the best feelings in the world, and I am relieved that, despite doubts and certain sleepless nights, my complicated attraction towards tragedy and sadness, mostly my life is something to marvel at. And if any part of it isn't, then it's my own doing, and it's up to me to change.

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I guess what I'm trying to say is that, these days, I am listening to happier songs. And I sing along, and try--very, very hard, to not talk myself out of it.

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